It’s been a bit of a rough re-entry after our wonderful vacation. Work stresses and the stress of having to the unplanned purchase of a new car just weeks before I retire have put me on edge, and my schedule is still way too packed so I feel like I am rushing from commitment to commitment without any breathing space.
I know that when I am stressed and rushing, Don gets anxious, and that kicks off a vicious cycle where his anxiety makes his memory and cognitive issues worse, which slows him down, which makes me more stressed and more likely to snap at him, which makes him more anxious, which makes the cognitive issues worse…and then we both end up feeling badly – him because he feels like he is letting me down, and me because I get upset and short-tempered.
We’ve been in that cycle too many times in the past week.
Yesterday we had “Memory Club” – a great 7 week program for people experiencing early-stage short term memory loss and their care partners. Each week we hear from an expert on some aspect of cognitive impairment/dementia and how to manage it, and then we split up so the people experiencing memory and cognitive issues have time together facilitated by a social worker, and the care partners have time together with a psychologist. It has been really helpful to have a community of people experiencing similar challenges, and the psychologist’s insights have been particularly helpful to me.
Yesterday when the care partners met, the psychologist talked about the difficulty that care partners have in “downshifting” as they move into the care partner role. He said we are used to driving along at 70 miles per hour on a relatively open highway, where we have known where we are going and the milestones and landmarks are familiar. Now we need to go onto a road that is unfamiliar, where the destination is unknown, and that is marked by twists and hairpin turns and if we and our loved ones are to navigate this road successfully, we need to learn to downshift.
That concept really spoke to me, as I think it is at the heart of what I have been struggling with lately. It is obvious that when I don’t downshift by building more space into our schedule so that we can match the pace of our activities to Don’s pace and abilities the wheels start to fall off…and yet I am finding it really difficult to do. It’s also obvious that I need to downshift for my own well-being, not just Don’s.
I think we will probably struggle with this for the next six weeks until my retirement as I deal with some stressful issues at work, we have family visitors staying with us for all but a couple of days of the next month (we love them all, but they can be high maintenance!), there is a string of retirement events for me (stressful in their own right!), and we still have to fit in medical appointments, Memory Club, sessions with our counselor, exercise, and important time with friends.
Once I retire I will feel more able to take my foot off the gas and downshift, but I suspect that it won’t be that easy for someone with my driven personality to make this shift after nearly 40 years of a fast-paced, intense, and fully scheduled life, and I expect a steep learning curve. Wish me luck!